Day 69: Tools, Tips and Tricks That Are Working

It’s day 69. Time to share what has helped me get this far. Farther than I thought possible. With that said, the more I learn and listen and read, the more I know I am in the infancy of my sobriety. But—even the seasoned professionals with years or decades behind them had a day 1, 14, 30 and 69. 

I am a pretty firm believer that, for most problems and situations, everyone has their own path. What works for one person may not for another. We can see this right in front of us when we witness diet culture in all its glory. Endless chicken breasts and brown rice make my nephew feel his best. Keto is the answer for a wide swath of people across the nation. The Mediterranean diet is touted by Drs. the world over. Whole food plant based is the basis of health for many others. There are varying degrees of scientific studies and information on the benefits of each of these: either backing them up or deflating the claims. In the end we all must decide what is best for us. 

Treating my depression and anxiety has been like that. An endless cycle of research, and digging, and taking advice. Trying new remedies and weeding out what works and what doesn’t, to come up with a concoction that works for ME. It’s like a puzzle, all the pieces making my edges and corners and filling in the holes with new information, suggestions from a trusted friend, a magazine article or comment I heard in passing. And over time my remedies have been tweaked and refined and sometimes turned upside down. I don’t think this process will ever end. It’s the nature of the game and the product of a curious seeking mind. As of now I am in therapy monthly. I take an anti-depressant. I do hot cold therapy, in my shower or sauna. I have a  daily essential oil and cbd routine. There is a variety of vitamins and supplements I’ve cycled through to see what works with my body chemistry.  I journal and write. Prayer is very powerful and calming for me.  Stretching and exercise (which, to be fair, my psychiatrist and every article and book on the subject has been telling me for years to incorporate but —I’m a little slow on the sweat uptake). And most recently—giving up booze.

So that is where I started with my sober experiment: gathering as much information as possible and gorging myself on it to figure out what would work for me RIGHT NOW. I know it will change as I move through this. But here is my beginning.

Where I started: 

I needed a plan. I decided the best place to start would be to set a beginning date but no end date. Play it by ear and see how I feel. How chill am I? (slides on Aviator lens) This prevented me from FREAKING OUT!!  The open ended approach left the question I absolutely did not want to answer: Forever? in the rearview mirror. Thus reducing my anxiety and fear. I was aiming for a real commitment this time: no excuses, no cheating. 

I declared the date: Monday, January 4th, 2021,  because MONDAY (aren’t Mondays the most appropriate place to start?) And I “needed” the weekend to “finish up”. (Joey Tribiani air-quotes) After that, I started where I seem to always land when I need a plan: the Inter-web. 

Searching How To Get Sober is like hitting the Motherload. The problem is that the Motherload is so vast and varied it requires A LOT of sifting through. Right about the time I was getting overwhelmed and inches away from grabbing a glass of vino to take the edge off, I took a break from browsing the infinite depths to relax with some old fashioned mindless Instagram scrolling. And who appears like a glowing goddess of joy, hilarity, cacio de pepe and cus words? Chrissy Teigan! And what amazing thing happened? She hit the same realization I had, but with a months head-start. She said the book Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker was her holy grail. How could I not take advice of this pop culture icon and lover of nutritionally void carbs? 

Next stop? Amazon books search bar on sober living—slightly (and I do mean very slight) more navigate-able than the world wide web. I found a plethora of what I now know to be called “Quit Lit” (isn’t that so cute? Like for real—I love it!) I tend to buy real books, the kind with covers, when they are of the self-help variety. I do a fair amount of underling passages, lists, and quotes to gaze back on in hours of need. But in this case I knew I needed to mainline the information, which meant my latest book-drug of choice: Audible. (side-note: many libraries have audiobooks you can get with your library card for free! Check there first) 

On Audible I plugged each of the top rated books amazon fed to me and listened to snippets of each. Ultimately I chose The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley. I have to admit that 35% of the reason why she won out was that she herself read the book and she herself is Brittish. What American is not a sucker for a Brittish accent? Another 35% was squarely in her court because she is funny. Even from the five minute soundbite, I could tell she would: make me think, and laugh out loud. That combo will always be a win for me.

Then a quick click back to amazon to download a few books to have waiting in the wings on my Kindle. My plan was to inundate myself with ALL. THE. KNOWLEDGE. And hopefully ingest some inspiration, understanding, relatable humility and perspective.  

I listened to The Sober Diaries while gardening, cooking, cleaning and folding laundry. It kept me company in the shower, the car, sauna, on walks with the dog (who I often startled when I would bust out laughing for no apparent reason) and even the grocery store. It was hysterical,  familiar, raw, honest and profoundly moving. I am officially a Clare Pooly fangirl.

I also carved out 45 minutes every morning to light a candle, sip my tea and read. First up was This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. For me, this was the science to back up the data. It has a plethora of information on the study of the conscious and subconscious brain, and how they work with, and against each other. It also clearly relates how marketing and capitalism have reframed our thinking. There are several points in the book where she states that by the end, the reader would not even want a drink. Heavy eye roll. Like teenage girl to her mom heavy eye roll. But you know what? As I pushed deeper into the  book I found myself not craving, or even thinking as much, about drinking. I don’t know what kind of magical mind-meld Annie has going on but—hey, it has curbed just enough of my desire to make days without a drink seem possible right now. 

I am now starting Quit Like a Girl like Chrissy said I should. Will report back ASAP. 

When I was done with that audible I looked up the best sober podcasts—and oh my, there is an abundance! I’m currently binging: Recovery Rocks, Seltzer Squad, and Edit. But believe me—you will find  plenty to love. They cover the ins and outs of how to stop, when to stop, weight gain, weight loss, sugar cravings, relapse, guilt, shame, losing friends, where to find community and gain some friends, tips on sleep, depression, anxiety, crash and burn stories, going to parties as a sober person, quitting when your significant other hasn’t, etc., etc. There is a wealth of information and inspiration here, and it’s FREE, so go explore! 

I am drowning in sober/recovery/sobriety/teetotaling/dry/abstinent/sober curious books, podcast, audibles, social media accounts and blogs and do not want a lifejacket because…It’s WORKING. 

As of right now: Busy Brain=Quiet Cravings

So—My day starts with an hour of reading and prayer/meditation. Some days I throw in a little spa-ish self care with a face mask (not the pandemic mask-ne kind), sauna or hot/cold shower, or even just a really good foot cream and fuzzy socks. Doesn’t need to be fancy. Through chores, work and errands I sip some anecdotes and life changing interviews through my earholes. And that has gotten me through to about 5 o’clock. 

The Witching Hour: 

Which brings us to the witching hour: That time of day that, for me, the cravings are loud and boisterous. BUT, because I’ve feasted all day on the wonders of sober-land they are a bit more manageable, and occasionally, have even vanished. But there are evenings that my mouth still salivates as I start dinner, because that perfunctory act was usually accompanied by a glass of wine. So I have changed my evening routine where necessary. 

If I am alone in the kitchen cooking I’ll listen to another podcast or turn on a tv show to take my mind off of it. If that isn’t cutting it I say a quick prayer for strength and calm and try desperately to remember that most cravings last mere minutes so I just need to shine on for a little longer. 

Our typical after dinner habit of couch surfing has had to go to the wayside several evenings  a week over the last two months. For instance: there are certain shows and movies I simply cannot fathom watching right now. The thought of viewing them without the requisite cocktail in hand seems shameful. Goodby for now Scandals Olivia Pope and your gorgeous long stemmed glasses of red wine. See you soon Daniel Craig and your shaken not stirred Vesper martini. Also, if I am just feeling extra antsy, I abandon my spot on the couch next to my husband and head upstairs to read. I rarely drank wine in bed, thank you white sheet deterrent, so it feels like a safe zone. These little adjustments in my “usual” have eased the cravings and habitual use of alcohol into something doable. And that is about all I need right now. Doable. 

A few other tricks up my sleeve: 

When I made my decision to quit, I marked the days for 30, 45, 60, 90 and 100 days. Which is weird because I didn’t want to say forever but I sure did want to know what day I was on! For me there’s a sense of, not only accomplishment, but accountability there. So I put foiled rose gold heart stickers on the days that seemed significant. It’s basically the adult version of getting a gold star in kindergarten. It’s admittedly silly but I like stickers and planners, ok? Shoot me. 

If the desire to drink is simply not going away I will take my dog out for a walk. Dark, cold nights and fresh air have jolted me out of obsessive longing a few times. Same with puzzles, solo dance parties, youtube videos of foxes on trampolines (you really should see those. Immediately) Pretty much anything out of the ordinary that can drag my brain in another direction temporarily. 

Bottom Line: What is working for me this very minute: 

Foresee any triggers and plan AHEAD for them with distractions in place. 

Figure out any schedule adjustments to make daily sober life more livable. 

Dial in to all the books, audiobooks, social media sites, blogs and podcasts that speak to me and devour them as needed. 

(I highly recommend you find your own brand of rose gold heart motivational stickers, whatever that may be, and USE THEM!) 

Self care in whatever way feels right and there is time for. 

Try to add in one good habit or new hobby, just one. Nothing overwhelming or too hard! Like: drink more water, your body will thank you! Eat one extra fruit or vegetable a day. Get an adult coloring book and fancy markers. Learn to bake lemon muffins (and send some my way:). Watch a how-to on building a picnic table for a squirrel. Feed the squirrel. Name the squirrel. Take movies of the squirrel. Become a youtube squirrel sensation. 

Disclaimer: Find What Works For YOU: 

Basically: do whatever it is YOU need to do to get through the day SOBER!

If that is a 12 step program, rehab, outpatient treatment, Facebook support group, talking to a friend twenty times a day, or adopting seven kittens—do YOUR thing. This is simply what has worked for me thus far. I hope it gives you some solace knowing there is someone else slogging through the beginning of sobriety trying to get it all right, sometimes flailing, then trying a new tactic. 

Explore, learn, read, write, and give yourself grace, 

Jennifer